Frustrated Night

Grrrrrrgrrrrrrr.. Grrrrrrgrrrrrr

“Hello,


plss.. talk to me… y u r not picking the call?????”

“everything is all right?”

“what allright.. nothing is alright.. see the time.. its 11PM..n I'm coming now from office..
no food for me.. now i will cook… from past 3 days..I'm eating only Magi… n my PM eating only me..
see the price hikes, everything is 2/- more from yesterday.. except my salary… i think the begger in front of my office.. earns more than I do.. what  should I do…?”

“what happened.. what r u talking”

“what i'm talking???? no, i'm not talking.. manager don't allow anyone to talk except the client.. who always talk something.. from past 3 months I didn't take any leave..now from 3 weeks.. I'm begging for one damn leave.. n what response I get….’why u want to waste an important day of ur life??’
Final I'm gonna quit this project… but, I can't. no, I can.. but I won't..
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” :x

“ok.. now Relax…”

“How can I relax… for relaxation people do yoga, but its night so I can’t. Else they watch movies… but see, in every channel all bogus movies gets repeatied.. ‘Welcome’, ‘Suryavansham’, Govinda’s movies… it really irritates… everyone is faking in TV, fake news, fake stories, fake swaynwars, fake reality… ahhhhh see the movies u will get to know…

in Rockon’s last scene… Arjun Rampal’s wife says to taxi driver to hurry up, "we r getting late for Airport…” Airport…??? I thought he found a job in Cruze.. not Airlines..
In 3 Idiots… starting scene… Madhvan does the drama to leave his flight, then what happened to his luggage??
In the same movie… Kareena is a doctor.. that too a surgeon.. to become a surgeon it requires at least 5[MBBS]+3[MS] years..
so she should b 28… n Aamir as a student.. only 18 or 20 ?? then after 10 years they decide to marry.. means she is 38??
i dont understand, how can spiderman reach to the church-bell in part-3, when he lost his power??
I still dont understand how could Rajnikanth fly without wings? i just…..”

“hey stop it now..”

“Am I a train who will stop it, by pulling chain???… ohh train.. i didnt saw last 3 months… how will i see, all the time monitor is in frnt of me.. in night also wen i open my eyes, i found username and password window..
i need to cool down..

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

but someone tell me howwwwwwwww.. :x Every time there's power-cut here..
except when I' m not at home.. Home what rubbish, its a damn single room.. where I'm living alone with my pillow..

i also want girlfriend yaar, like my rivals have..
smita, rashmi, sujata, priti, komal.. anyone frm my odc is ok, but they all r engaged, u know y?? bcoz their boyfriends do not work in IT, outside girls do chat wid me only on my salary day.. i got rejected 31 times.. u know y, each time i propose them, they ask where do u live.. i say in my Cubicle.. bcoz thats the only place u can find my soul all the time..”

“hey man, u better take rest, we will talk in Morning”

“Morning.. are u talking the same morning when sun rises, bird flies, omlette fries, employee cries… damn, I didn’t see the Sun for 3 years.. how it looks like… morning I catch shuttle, reach my birthplace ‘cubicle’, work n leave when Sun uncle is not there… I don’t understand how can I be so nice to my colleagues.. each time they want leave, they repeat the same dialog… “my sister’s marriage”.. my colleague's 9 sisters got married,
3 times grandpa expired,
5 times his frnd went to ICU.. but my colleague is fine..
and favourite dialog “ I need to drop a frnd to hospital, as he is not feeling well” later i find movie tickets in his purse… then my PM’s motivational speech.. ‘u work.. u grow’.. means if i wont work.. i will shrink or what… when i need hike, i'm junior.. still need to grow.. when i do mistakes.. c'mon man u r a senior, u cant do mistakes.. ahhh God gimme some power to understand the greatness of a super natural person known as PM in this world..”

“ok enough now, i m disconnecting”

“wait.. i called you.. n u r disconnecting.. u know previously i was normal, when i was in college, i used to talk continuosly watever i want, now i m talking only this much… ‘yaa its done’, ‘e-cube is filled’, ”Please..’, ‘good morning’, ‘lunch’,'tea’,’snaks’..


I don’t know wat i m talking abt, i shud b happy.. I have Saturday & Sunday .. saturday to recover from the disaster been made from monday to friday.. sunday to think about upcoming disaster from monday to friday.. cool naa..

u heared that 2012 earth will end.. then also my ODc and my cubicle will remain as it is.. u know why?? because that’s not part of earth.. n we are employees not human beings… we are aliens… 

so better before u start getting headache… go have a nice dream.. I will again start my day tomorrow like i m starting everyday..
good night…” :(

beeeeeeeeep…beeeeeeeeeep…beeeeeeeeeep

****************************************************************

Next Day, in office:-

“Saurabh, Please come here”

“Yes Surya!!”

“I approved your leaves.. i think you should go and have some fun”

I happily came out, and checked my phone’s Dialled call log.. :D

“Ohhh my God, yesterday I called my PM … shit” :lolz:


Love,
Chatz.

Ani - GOD's favorite DEVIL

Not for nothing that I call myself so.......GOD's favorite DEVIL.
For a lovable Devil that I am...wink ..wink.

Born on the 23rd of June,1985...the day India saw it worst air disaster.....I had to be one...
Laziness draws its inspiration from me.....so that makes me a LAZY DEVIL as well....so quiet harmless.

Always game of anything that u might throw at me....I specialize in bugging my buddies to the extent of driving them NUTS....A recent example would be the incident where I wrecked...and I mean WRECKED the wrought iron cot of my unfortunate roomie....when I jumped over that fatass...He had to spend the night cuddled up as a BOW on his arched bed.

In another incident.....years ago...I was chased by a girl for I placed the dust-bin on top of the door and when she pushed the door open...she found herself capped by the bin. The chase incidentally ended with a cracked skull (mine of course) and a very very scared girl (the one who was chasing me to get a piece of me). She still has not changed one bit...Still feisty....... still adorable...and still a very good friend.

I am AKA mastermind....for my exploits with my extra-ordinary budhi...albeit in the ingenious ways, it’s to poke my friends. The manner in which I manipulate it at times, looks way too much for an ordinary human being...be it spilling ink using medical syringes on the white uniform of Traffic police while travelling back from school or drawing modern art on all the pages of the only notebook that my classmate used to bring to college to take notes. Thanks to such daredevilry, I celebrated my b'day almost every single day...by being on the receiving end of 'all are invited' B'day Bumps throughout my campus life....trust me..the thought of it still hurts....

Lovable Devil.. 

 Once my Mom discover "I LOVE U POOJA" in one of my notebooks...Frankly, I don't remember having a friend named Pooja. It was while I was in 3rd or 4th std. So Ms.Pooja...if u r reading this, trust me I meant it...and if u are still single....I'm still available. Others are welcome as well.

Enough said. Now I'm gonna stop this, lest my victims feel the need to take rrrrrrrevenge for all my deeds. Trust me guys...there was no malice in any of these acts and given a chance I would most certainly like to repeat them again...as long as I'm guaranteed that i would continue escaping after all these 'deeds'.

But for a lovable devil that I am....I plan to continueeeeee.....

Luv,
Chatz.
[P.S. for those not so lucky victims of mine (e.g.-Manu, Pai, Kochi, Motabhai and others) whose story I didnt speak out....plz forgive me. In case u insist.....I'll be happy to explain those incidents involving u in detail...]

An outsider down south - 1

Namaskaram, Vanakkam…..this is how people greet you here. Butterfly coloured lungies folded way above the knees to make u read the boxer brand…..that’s how men dress here. Water proof floaters and not shoes are in vogue round the year and add coconut oil for aroma & flavour….Welcome to South India.

One fine evening, dad broke the news that he has been promoted and in the bargain has been transferred to Ernakulam. For someone who has travelled and worked throughout the length & breadth of India, Ernakulam was just another square on the chess board. But for me, born and brought up in Kolkata, it was a mixed feeling, for I was going to miss my childhood buddies. When I informed my friends about it, they enquired…Erna…WHAT?? For Ernakulam is not as famous as her twin - Cochin.

When we landed in Ernakulam early in the morning, my dad’s colleagues greeted us by saying “welcome to ‘Yearrrrnagulum’ Saaar”. I wondered if I had boarded the correct flight at the Kolkata airport for the name sounded unfamiliar... Once at home, our neighbour cordially invited us to have breakfast with them. I was fond of appams, dosas and idlies right from my childhood. Little did I know that I was in for my first southie experience.

We were served steam cake - baked hot with ‘kadala’ (dark chhole) curry – A Kerala delicacy. Steam cake – it sounded a vapour like thing ….how could u make a cake out of steam? They called it ‘putttttt ’. It’s called steam cake coz it’s made by baking smashed rice in steam. After the first gulp, I glanced at my mom asking her the silent question: “mom…don’t you think that they had forgotten to add any masala to the dish?”  Coz my taste buds didn’t pick anything on their radar. She nodded in silent approval. If this was not delicious enough, the kadala curry was cooked in coconut oil….COCONUT OIL..!! My understanding was that coconut oil was to be used as hair oil. My dad on his part was eating nonchalantly, as if having golden fried prawns for breakfast. I had my first taste of SOUTH.

The next day I was enrolled in KV Ernakulam. It was the month of December but the mercury hovered around high 30s. How I missed wearing my oversized navy blue uniform sweater. At school, I made a lot of friends. But somehow, could not make a name for me for I was addressed as amirkhans to anibhuns and annieebuns to annieban(sounded like Ban on Ani) as well. Never thought that a 7 letter A-N-I-R-B-A-N could be such a tongue twister for any Indian. Thanks to Bankim Chandra Chatterjee, that my surname was famous and pronounceable. Thus being the only northie in class, I made my name with my surname-C-H-A-T-T-E-R-J-E-E. I still wonder, had it not been for Bankim babu, I would have gone to oblivion without a name.

The life at school was good….and at times outright hilarious…only for me though. Hindi was often taught and explained in English. For once I wondered, if it was vice-versa in the North. The letter ‘H’ became ‘Hechhh’ (As u sneeze) and ‘Z’ came to be known as ‘eezeddd’ (With a thud). The combination - ’ZHA’/’ZHI’ were to be pronounced as a god forbidden form of R – rrheeaeeaaa….Sorry. That was a futile attempt to make the reader understand that ‘ZHA’ can be pronounced only by a malayali and none else. Don’t even think about it…u may end up at the ENT/ Dentist/ Oral surgeon’s clinic with a forever twisted tongue, next time u try pronouncing ‘ZHA’, unless of course you are a malayali.

For someone who had taken for granted that the SUPW & Music periods were equivalent to games periods, I was dismayed to find that in my new school my classmates maintained regular class work notebooks for these subjects. My music teacher at school was incensed on learning that there was no such ‘notebook culture’ in my previous KV for subjects of such importance. To test my ‘skill’ she made me to sing aloud a community song in class. Though I found it juvenile, thanks to my bathroom singing talent, I assumed that somehow she was impressed. Nevertheless she still wanted me to write down all the songs that a ‘good KV student’ was supposed to learn throughout 12 years in school in a notebook.  I never attended the music period ever after….and somehow I’m glad about it.

Slowly I started to learn Malayalam thanks to my school. Though a KV, Malayalam was the most preferred language there. I started watching Malayalam movies. I must admit, they were any day better than most of the contemporary bollywood releases. The heroes though, courtesy their ‘shape’ & mushes (meesha)….could give the best bollywood Mogambos a run for their money.  But none can cast any doubt about their acting skills. The actresses were also ‘take home-able’.

I was settling in a nice life with parents and was starting to love it – be it the coconut oil fried food or the way people called my first name or be it the Hindi lessons being taught in English. I even got used to the climate. And there I was having spent 5 years of my life in ‘enthe swantham Ernakulam’ (my very own Ernakulam), readying myself to leave home for the first time in life.

Love,

Chatz.

END OF PART-1.

[P.S.  Dear all, who might find this piece of writing offensive and to those who may not exactly like what I have written, I have spent more than 9 years in Kerala, and those were the best days of my life so far. These are experiences that anyone from north India would have had in the beginning. And same applies to a southie on his first north India trip.  It’s all about adaptability. Thank God, I adapted well and made such good friends. Given a choice and a chance, I would definitely choose to go back to Ernakulam

Just about a decade too old

Amazing na..?? The world that aaj-kal ke kids see today, when compared to what it was when we were children. For the fact that Change is the only constant, I am just trying to list the changes between what I saw & thought growing up and what aaj-kal ke kid’s mindset is as they grow. This thing struck me when I was having a casual chat with my little sis, who happens to be 13 years younger to me…She actually made me feel like an old-old man.  Priorities have changes though the basic needs haven’t…Wry but true.

For someone who had student life spanning more than 17 years cost him no more than 30K as fees to the various educational institutes I attended, a donation of 50K to get a kid admitted to a popular school looks astronomical. Back in those days in primary school, I and my friends used to be proud of the number of ‘rakhies’ of female friends used to tie on the rakhsha-bandhan. Today, my neighbour’s kid bunks his classes on rakhsha-bandhan days, lest the lass he has his eyes on makes him a brother…Guess aaj-kal ke kids grow up in the womb before they are born.

When I grew a bit older, I kept nagging my dad to get me a cricket bat. The willow had Kapil paaji’s autograph on its face and it became an instant hit among my pals. It was the latest show-off stuff - a thing of pride. We used to spend every available minute after school playing cricket, getting dirty on the field. Our bechari moms used to yell at us for they had to wash the stains off those dresses, coz the washing machine was rendered ineffective given the caliber of dirt & stains that used to be accumulated on the shirt. A few days back, my uncle’s son was proudly narrating about how he scored a century in the previous game. And he wanted me to join him so that he could repeat his heroics again. I too was interested as I had not touched the cricket bat for ages now. I immediately picked up the bat and was about to leave when he called me in with the game ready to be played on the TV screen with his latest play station. There was one similarity- His mom too was yelling at him, not for the dirt part though. It was to prevent him from being a slave of the gadget. I concluded – Thanks to technology, gully cricket has moved from the neighbourhood gullies to the living room of the urban kids….but should we be really thankful??

The other night, my sweet li’l sis called me up to say that she was very sad for she has broken up with her boyfriend –  BOYFRIEND… #$@&^#$ BROKEN UP @#*^% .....

 FYI, she is indeed a very pretty gal and is a student of 8th std. in an elite school. For someone who had somehow never been in a relationship (crushes apart), it was difficult for me to comprehend. My li’l sis enquired “Dada, don’t you have a girlfriend? If you have one, then you should never do what ‘my ex’ did to me”. Her ‘ex’ had unfortunately gifted a dairy-milk bar to another classmate of theirs who also happens to be a girl. Phew!!! I thanked God for I’m still single (not that I don’t have girlfriends….just that they don’t see me as their boyfriend…sob..sob) and happy, though I won’t mind having a decent girlfriend…wink wink (anybody there???).

 To conclude, all I would say is a WOW to aaj kal ke kids…….But then we, who happen to be just about a decade too old aren’t that outdated as well….just that we are a generation behind. With the hope that our kids don’t call us obsolete………

Love, 

Chatz.

J..J