Saturday, April 9, 2016

The FARRRTTT journey

      We were returning from our long awaited honeymoon. And it was worth it. Manali's beauty had my wifey and myself spellbound. We were travelling back to Delhi in a semi occupied Volvo. It was a comfortable ride and we were enjoying the last glimses of those snow clad mountains of Kullu and Manali. The serene tranquil atmosphere of the bus was suddenly interrupted by a biological weapon that is universally called FARRRTTTT. can happen sometimes. We tried to ignore the 'sweet strawberry flavoured air freshener' and went back to admiring our surroundings. We even complimented ourselves for how nicely the entire tour was planned.... BaAaNnnNnGG!!!... No it did not sound like a hydrogen bomb...but it sure smelt like a poisonous mixture of 2moles hydrogen sulfide and 3moles of concentrated nitric acid. Wonder what had this gentlefartman had for his lunch that he was producing enough biological weapon of mass destruction to wipe the small town of manali.

   In the seat behind us was a couple who had fully wrapped up. So much so that they had covered their head and ear with scarves and the rest of their face and the the the extent that only exposed portion and of their anatomy were their eyes. I joked to my wife saying that they must be from down south and that they were struggling with the cold of Manali even inside the air-conditioned bus. Just then did we realise the  motive behind it. They were protecting themselves from this deadly biological warfare that was being inflicted upon us, the poor and helpless this unknown, undercover merchant of FART. We immediately followed suit and covered up in the hope that it would help. ...... Alas...not to be. We realised it was a futile attempt. Suiting up only heated up the already vitiated air inside the coach. We were left to fend for ourselves... Poor souls.... We two.

   Divine intervention..... The bus stopped for us to disembark and have our dinner. Not only we ran out of it for some much needed fresh air(minus the H2S smell) but with the hope that our beloved fartman will eat a stomach full to give his biogas plant a much needed 'maintainence break' and stop farting for the rest of the night. I also desperately needed to take a leak..... My bladders were bursting. As a result, without noticing the sign on the door of the scantly lit washroom, I barged inside and relieved myself with a relieved smile on my face..listening to my wifey laugh out loud outside with some other lady. It was then that I realised, I have just relieved myself in the ladies washroom. I thanked God for the washroom was empty when I barged in and bolted the door. For had it been otherwise ...err...let's not go there.

    We had a decent dinner while watching India play at the T20 world cup. Clicked a few pictures on the beautiful full moon lit holo night. As the bus honked calling us back in for the night, we reluctantly hopped in, only to find that with the AC being off, while,l our man has turned the coach into a Nazi inspired concentration camp thanks to his muli ki sabzi and hingoli laden food that our man probably had before he decided to screw our night journey. As the bus twisted and turned thru the curvy and mountainous roads, we slumped in our cushioned seats hit the snooze button. By god, my wife looks all the more prettier while she's asleep. A fact that often leads me to click her while she's sleeping. Just when i was admiring her innocent face, our man decided to let one go....BAMMM...poor girl, my wifey woke up with a cringed face with the blanket covering her nose. I was at my wit's end...trying to figure out, just how much and for how long can a a man continue to fart???!!

     If that was not all, our bus strolled into Mandi bus stop where a couple of guys in their early 20s, one of them sporting a salmanesque bracelet boarded the bus. The same hotshot sat next to us. Took out his shining phone, set up his earphones and started listening to his music. I was impressed. For what I had seen during my train journeys, my experience with people listening to music from their phones had been particularly loud and unpleasant. Just when I was slipping back to my sweet dreams, our salman from Mandi started to sing aloud...yesss...our man was singing a hit Kumar sanu number from the late 90s aloud in the bus at 2300hours...beat that! I reluctantly tapped his shoulders and gestured him to keep it low..he kid...I told ya.

     No sooner had he stopped his 'bu(th)sroom' singing, our man called up his friend (a girl probably). And probably to impress people around him more than the girl, he started to blurt out angrezi in desi me it was hilarious..."y u not accept my fraaanship request on aaefbee?"..."tum mere fotus ko like and comment will make me feel good about u" quote a few. I could make out from his side of conversation that the other person was uninterested...poor guy.. Reluctantly he hung up and then went back to his music...this time humming them and vigorously shaking his head... He was probably listening to Linkin Park now... Good for his English...
      Slowly thereafter as the night grew, our in-house fartman and smart guy reduced their favouritr activities and I slumped in my seat to my good night's sleep...only to wake up and admire my beautiful biwi's pretty innocent face before I slept was a happy journey afterall...and these memories...they'll last a lifetime.